Calling the kettle.

BOYD: One other thing, Miss DeWitt. Are you aware of this ‘Topher’ situation?

ADELLE: Yes. There’s no need to address the issue with him. I allow him one of these “diagnostic” tests every now and again.

BOYD: Well, I guess Topher can make friends…

[As they continue talking in voiceover, we see Sierra bringing a Twinkie with birthday candles to Topher in his office.]

ADELLE: Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. In any case, it only happens once a year.

MOSS: We just seem to do the same thing day in, day out. I’m stagnating, Jen! Like a packet of crisps on the roof.

JEN: It seems to me the problem is that you two spend too much time together. You should get out there and meet other people.

MOSS: Other people.

JEN: Yes.

MOSS: You mean people…other than Roy?

JEN: Well, yes.

MOSS: And these ‘other people’—where do they congregate?

JEN: I dunno, you could try to do an evening class.

ROY: Woah woah hold on a second now. And what exactly am I supposed to do while she’s out gallivanting at her night classes and whatnot?

JEN: Well you could meet other people, as well.

ROY: Yeahhh. I don’t like people.

JEN: [wryly] Oh well now that’s not fair, Roy. Have you met all of them?

ROY: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards.

Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we’re not poets.

[George comes home to find Annie holding a screaming baby. She gives the baby to him and he calms it down.]

GEORGE: What’s his name?

ANNIE: [Disinterested.] What are babies usually called? Tim? Brian?

GEORGE: …Annie I’m going to ask a very serious question and I would like a very serious answer. Did you still this baby out of a supermarket trolley?

IVAN: Do you remember when you were a kid? Hm? Everything seemed so important. You’d feel such rage, such love. Then you get older and it’s as though the— the years have worn all that passion away. I’m 237, I don’t feel anything. So I wake up, I drink coffee, I think about you, I assume I should kill you… Look, I know you screwed Daisy. What did you tell her? What did you say that made her feel again?

GEORGE: It’s complicated. Um. She was going to kill her daughter. And I convinced her not to.

IVAN: [Wryly disappointed.] Oh. I wanted it to be something I could understand.

BOBBY: Wait. Brando, are those my sunglasses?

BRANDO: Oh, no. No. Uh. Found ‘em.

BOBBY: Where?

BRANDO: Uhh. By the front door. Sorry, pal. You snooze you lose.

BOBBY: But I didn’t snooze! I left my sunglasses on the table and you stole them!

TED: Robin hates kids.

ROBIN: I don’t hate kids!

TED: You told me even when you were a kid you hated kids.

[FLASHBACK.]

YOUNG KATIE: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?

YOUNG ROBIN: I go to school all week. Can’t I have just five minutes to myself to read Highlights and drink my juice?

P.J.: Dude, you are sick, okay? Just go see a doctor.

BRENDAN: No. No doctors.

P.J.: No doctors? What are you, a wounded bank robber?

BRENDAN: My health insurance got canceled. Got no choice. Gotta to go to Dr. Brando now.

P.J.: Nooo.

BOBBY: Who’s Dr. Brando?

P.J.: He’s the doctor that lives inside his head.

BRENDAN: Went to Harvard medical school.

BOBBY:…Inside your head?

BRENDAN: Whatever dude, it’s Harvard.

BERNARD: You’ve got yourself a case. You should get a lawyer.

MANNY: Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer.

BERNARD: Yeah, get someone who’s a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard.

[Manny and Fran stare at Bernard.]

BERNARD: No, I’m not doing it.

FRAN: Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I’ll give you a reference! I’ll lie! I’ll say you were…okay.

BERNARD: Alright, deal.

MITCHELL: So, you’ve just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in?

GEORGE: I’d like to say Gryffindor, but they’re supposed to be brave. What’s the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic?

MITCHELL: I think they’re brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw.

ANNIE: I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I’ve always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.

GEORGE: What about you?

MITCHELL: I think that they’d say, ‘it’s probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years’.

ANNIE: Does anyone ever choose Slytherin?

GEORGE: No, because that would be like saying ‘I’m a sociopath.’

BALDRICK: Have you got a plan, my lord?

EDMUND: Yes, I have, and it’s so cunning, you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oils, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute, and the best portrait painter in England!

BALDRICK: I’ll get them right away, my lord!

Oh Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face!

To learn which questions are unanswerable, and not to answer them: this skill is most needful in times of stress and darkness.

JAYE: I think the universe is conspiring against me.

ERIC: The whole universe? Not just the Milky Way or like planet Earth, but the entire universe?

JAYE: All of creation. It’s a plot. I know that now.

The true power of the musical comedy is its absurdity. People sing and dance, apparently spontaneously but in unison. It’s ridiculous and the common man finds this absurdity calming. Why? Because his own pathetic existence is unrelentingly logical and ordered. I know this for a fact because I’ve spent many years observing the common man at shopping malls and country fairs. We need more focus on the absurdity of the genre. That is why I have decided to cut three scenes that are purely expositional and replace them with inappropriate dance numbers.